The Winding Path to Becoming a Death Doula

by Bonnie Carpenter

August 30, 2022

When we start out in our lives, everyone likes to guess what we will "be" when we grow up. We become young adults and many of us spend a lot of time trying to find our way. Comparing, contemplating, dreaming, working, and hoping. Then, life throws in a few twists and turns. We lose a loved one perhaps, and maybe experience our first heartbreak or rejection. Things sometimes, just don't go as planned. Well, usually things don't go as planned! For a while, things were sailing along rather smoothly for me. I thought that difficult stage of my life was maybe behind me.

Haha! Yeah right!

Every stage of life has some difficulties, don't they? A few years ago, in my early forties, I was hit with a shocking reality. Years of manual labor, and a painful condition had taken somewhat of a toll on my physical abilities. I lost some independence for the first time, and it was eye-opening, to say the least. I have never been one to shy away from a challenge but this felt different. It took a while, and I had to grieve this change. It took more time than I would have liked. Once the smoke cleared I pulled myself back together somewhat. I watched, listened, and waited for the universe to help me find my way. I am ever so thankful that she has delivered. And grateful to all the people in my life who have helped to support me.

Many times, I have focussed on the mistakes, the scribbles, so intently that I did not stop to notice that the universe was busy painting the work of art; which is my life. Like most of us, my life has been peppered with tragedies, in between the wonderful parts. Maybe in a larger quantity than I would hope. But, here we are.

A friend online shared a post from a death-positive page. This is a movement, to bring about conversations around death. To remove stigmas, to make talking about dying, death, grief, and all things related more widely accepted and welcomed. It did not take long, once I started reading further into this movement before a light went off. Not just a little light. The big one! Could it really be true? Was the caregiving I have done both as work and for the love of family, preparing me for something more? Were the tragedies and losses, and this empathic nature of mine meant for something different? I felt like it was, and I still do. I immediately set out to find out how I could be of service to others in end-of-life care.

That is when I learned about End-of-life/Death Doulas also called Death Midwives. They offer a holistic approach for people facing a life-limiting illness, or near death. I signed up with the Home Hospice Association in Ontario, and am taking their Death Doula Certificate Program.

What exactly does a Death Doula do?

They may help with Advanced Care planning. I am still amazed at all the options out there, that I was not aware of before. What a comfort it could bring to a dying person to be able to speak frankly about their wishes and vision for their death. Not just their funeral, but the days leading up to and including the stages of, and active dying. We don't talk about these things enough. Death is as sacred as birth, yet we whisper around one and celebrate the other. I would like to help change that.

Leaving a legacy for loved ones, or a gift to a charity can be a special project. A culmination of one's life's work or memories shared. Leaving your family your health history, even if relationships are strained, can be, for many people, a very helpful gift. Many Death Doulas enjoy assisting with such projects. There are so many wonderful ways to leave a legacy.

I have spent a good chunk of the last decade in hospitals, with loved ones. Weeks in ICU and Cancer Units, bedside with those nearing the end of their lives, and I have attended more funerals than I wanted to at the time. Somehow though I was always able to pull some peace from the experiences. I could learn something, help someone by remaining calm, advocate if needed, and observe. Sitting vigil as someone is actively dying can be a comfort to their families, a time when questions can be answered, worries can be lessened, and the natural act of Death can be understood a little more. When medical interventions and cures are no longer the appropriate or wanted course of action, having a knowledgeable and compassionate guide to help along the way can be invaluable to the dying person, and their loved ones, and take a little pressure off of their care team as well.

After one dies, those left sitting around the bedside, their friends and family still have a long journey ahead. A Death Doula can continue building on relationships that have formed, offer their gentle support, share helpful resources, and continue to follow up to help comfort the grieving. Worrying how survivors will fare is often a great concern to those facing death. Knowing there is a plan in place, to offer support to those left behind, can be a way for one who is hanging on in turmoil, to finally let go.

I learned earlier on in life that setbacks are not seen as blessings until the tools they give us are called into action. As I continue my Journey in becoming a Death Doula, I feel very empowered and humbled to know that I carry many of these such tools and can use them to serve others in a most sacred and meaningful way. As a life-long learner, I am sure to be forever challenged in many ways as a Death Doula. I look forward to learning from and supporting those on this journey with me.